


How did we get here

by ColeAdrian



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - All Media Types, Carmilla - J. Sheridan Le Fanu
Genre: F/F, Hope, Not What It Looks Like, POV Carmilla, What I have become
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-09-21 11:37:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9547490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColeAdrian/pseuds/ColeAdrian
Summary: Carmilla has a lifetime of stories that got her to the where she is now. On the floor, her back resting against the couch, her fingers running through Laura's hair.  And Laura listens to stories from a life long gone.





	1. Preview

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a preview. I will be posting in a couple days.

I have never been a survivor, but I have pulled through. I have fought and scratched my way in and out of trouble. I have never been one to take things for granted. I have lied and cheated and manipulated. 

I was down dark alleys more times than I was in the street lights. I was lied to and cheated on and manipulated. I was bullied and raped and beaten. I was kicked when I was down. 

I was never able to talk. I never learned to trust again once my trust was broken. I felt my way into the dark and forgot to turn the lights on. 

I learned to live in the dark. I forgot to leave it. I rediscovered who I was in the dark and embraced it.

I made choices. Some good, some bad. Choices were made for me. Some good, some bad.

I have never been a survivor. But I survived. Until my mind starting going off course. The war between right and wrong an invisible line that I crossed without looking.


	2. Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She's a dame with more love to give then she pretends. And a heart that is to warm to be refused.
> 
> Lyrics: She ain't nice from the broadway musical Gypsy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think guys. It is the first time I ever wrote anything, let alone publish.

It was a quiet night. Quiet was rare for them. Carmilla Karnstein was laying on the floor, back rested against the couch, her fingers brushing through long, brown hair.

''What's on your mind, Carm?'' Laura asked, pulling Carmilla out of her reverie.

The black haired girl smiled gently at her girlfriend, then sighed.

''My mother used to do this when I was little'' she said, looking at her fingers running through Laura's hair. ''She would kiss my cheek and slide her fingers through my locks until I woke up.'' 

Laura looked up to see the sad, faraway smile etched upon her lover's face. 

''Tell me about it.'' she said lightly. ''If you want. About when and where and how. About what you remember..''

Laura waited silently, listening to Carmilla's heartbeat. It was still odd, but God did it make her happy hearing it. It was a song she never wanted to end. 

Carmilla cleared her throat and locked her eyes on Laura's. '' I don't remember much from back then'' she started ''but I can tell you what happened then, and what happened after.'' She trailed off. When Laura nodded, she took a deep breath. 

Inhale. Exhale. One year later and she was still surprised by it. Inhale. Exhale.

''Some of it you already know, but what better place to start then at the beginning.'' She smiled to herself before continuing. '' As you know, I was born in Styria, Austria in 1680 as Countess Mircalla Karnstein. I don't think I've ever mentioned this, but my parent's name were Isaac and Elisabeth Karnstein. And God, were they happy to have a baby girl.'' 

Laura took a hold of Carmilla's hand and kissed it, beckoning her to go on.

''I did live a privileged life. My family was ancient and noble so money were never a problem. Nor was anything else. Whatever I wanted, my parent got me. Which was not very common in a time of war and death. I remember my mother taking me into town to buy dresses for ball's and extravagant parties. My father holding my hand and introducing me to everyone who was anyone at the time. I met artists and musicians, politicians and war heroes, young men hoping to be somebody, young women hoping for love. I had everything and I was happy.''

She let out a shaky laugh at the look of awe on Laura's face and leaned down to kiss her forehead. The younger woman waited patiently for her to continue.

''When I was 6, my father decided I were to be home schooled. I learned to write and read. I learned French and English. I learned history and literature. And I loved every second of it. By the time I was 15, men started courting me, wanting to spend time with me''

''Oh, don't give me that, Cupcake.'' she said when Laura started mocking her. ''These were different times. Everyone was at least engaged, if not married by 18. And so was I.''

Laura's mouth hanged open while she let the information stir in her brain. ''You were engaged?'' She asked in disbelief. 

The raven haired girl laughed wholeheartedly at the look of shock on her girlfriends face. 

''Yes, cupcake.'' she said, now smiling and shaking her head at her girlfriends pout. ''Baby, stop looking at me like I ruined your favorite toy. Are you seriously jealous right now over a 300 year old engagement?'' 

Laura jokingly slapped her thigh, her cheeks flushed red. ''Fine, you have a point. Does this fine gentlemen who stole your heart had a name?''

'' His name was Rudolf Vordenberg.'' she stated and heard Laura's intake of air.

''Vordenberg?'' Laura asked, confused. ''Like in, Baron Vordenberg?''

''The one and only, sweetheart. Rudolf is his great-great-grandfather.''

''Wow. I did not see that coming. This wouldn't have anything to do with why Vordenberg seemed to hate you beyond the creature of the night, evil undead vampire thing, would it?''

Carmilla looked sheepish and Laura rolled her eyes and sighed. ''What happened?''

'' When I was 17, my father introduced me to Rudolf Vordenberg, a trust fund young man who was soon to inherit the princely estates of his family, in Upper Styria. He was the picture perfect of a gentlemen. Good mannered, charming, and coming from money, he was everything my father wished for me. Against my better judgement and pleas, father gave him his blessing and three months later we were engaged to be married.''

''When my father called me in his office one day to ask me why I was so against marrying Rudolf, I fell silent. I knew, by that time, what I wanted. But how could I explain to my father that while I believed the man would be a good husband, he would not be able to make me happy as I know he wanted me to be. How could I say to my 17th century father that girls excited me and made my heart skip beats? So I said nothing.''

Tears were rolling down Laura's cheeks. She squeezed the older girl's hand, who smiled woefully at her.

''You won't like what comes next. Are you sure you want me to continue, sweetheart?'' Carmilla asked.

Her girlfriend pulled her face down to her own and kissed her before nodding.

''My parents and Rudolf threw a ball in honor of my 18th birthday. And it was beautiful. Rare tapestries adorned the walls, beautiful flowers concealed the musicians's balcony and the countless lights made an effective background for the wonderful gowns and their wearers. I waltzed the night away.'' 

She smiled at a faraway memory.

''It was well after midnight when I made my way outside to get some air and catch my breath. Little did I know it would be my last. I was in the back yard of my parents house, heading towards the little gazebo when I heard footsteps behind me. I turned to see the face of a young man I did not recognize inches from my own. And then he was gone, and I had fallen on my knees, pain etched in every fiber of my body as I pulled the knife out of my chest and looked down at my blood stained dress. The last thing I saw before dying was the beautiful face of a woman smiling down at me.''

Laura had buried her face in Carmilla's chest and was sobbing quietly. ''I'm sorry, Carm. It's just hard to imagine your life taken away from you. To know that you died alone and in pain..'' Laura trailed off.

''It's okay, sweetheart. It was a long time ago.'' Carmilla said honestly.

''I woke up in a locked room, confused and scared. I was sure I had died but I couldn't remember much apart from the pain. But something was different. I was hungry in a way I didn't know before. I don't know how much time had passed since I woke up till the moment Rudolf came into the room. Enough for me to notice the changes. The way breathing was just habit and not a necessity anymore. The way my body didn't seem to grow tired and fragile even when my mind did. I could smell everything and distinguish them, I could hear everything as well. And when he came in, I knew what I was craving when my throat burned at the smell of the blood underneath his skin.'' 

''He was cautious. He told me he had snuck my body and hid me away. He told me what he thought I was. And I believed him. I asked how many hours since I died. He said he is not sure. He couldn't return to me after he had brought me there and that was months ago. Needless to say, I lost my temper. He said he had done it out of love for me. But it didn't matter. I was not listening anymore. I was not Mircalla anymore. I was a vampire.''

Carmilla took a deep breath and kissed Laura. ''You asked why Vordenberg hated me. This is why. Blinded by rage for Rudolf, who tried to stop me from living that room, fully intending to keep me there for as long possible but not realizing I was stronger and faster than him and ruled by unsated hunger I went on a killing spree. That night, every one of Rudolf Vordenberg's loved ones and family were nothing but a satisfying meal and a tribute for my revenge. I didn't kill Rudolf though.''

Laura shivered at her words. She knew Carmilla had killed many people. It was different hearing it from the girl. She didn't notice her girlfriend watching her intently, until the raven haired beauty pulled her hand out of Laura's and she looked up to see why.

''Hey, what's wrong?'' Laura asked, getting a hold of Carmilla's hand again and kissing it.

''Nothing. I just..I just thought after hearing that that..''

''That what?'' Laura asked, confused.

''That you'd be scared or want some space..'' Carmilla looked at the ground.

''I don't know what you're talking about. It makes me sad to think of all the thing you had to do just to survive. But I am not scared of you. The girl I fell in love with was a vampire, and she was annoying and short tempered and sometimes scary, yes. But she was kind and caring and funny and selfless. You may not be a vampire anymore, Carm, but you were and I fell for you anyway.''

When Carmilla still seem unconvinced, she sighed and continued. ''This is why I want to know your story. So when I look you in the eyes and say that I love you, you won't doubt it. You won't wonder if I still did if I knew all the bad things you had done. Because I do, Carm. I love you with all I have.'' 

Carmilla nodded. Laura squeezed her hand and laid her head back in Carmilla's lap, smiling when fingers ghosted across her cheek before resuming their brushing of brown hair.

''I was not alone for long. Two days later, the same woman I remembered seeing before dying found me. Her name was Lilita Morgan. And she announced that my life was about to change.''


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another trip down memory lane

'What was it like?' she asked sheepishly. 

'What was what like, cupcake?' the older girl answered, her attention on the book in her lap.

'Nevermind,' replied Laura, pretending to read someting on her laptop.

Carmilla placed the book on the nightstand after making sure to fold one corner of the page. 

'Where's your mind at, sweetheart?' She reached for the other girl's hand and kissed it gently. 

'I tried to read about it. How it would feel, what you would have felt..but they were all humans and you were not..'

Carmilla set up and put her arms around her girlfriend. 

'What is this about, love?' she asked kindly.

Laura did not look at Carmilla when she answered.

'I did not wanna ask and make you sad or angry. But it has been on my mind, all the pain you must've felt. Alone, in the dark, for so many years..' she trailed off when she felt Carmilla stiffening next to her.

'I'm sorry, Carm. I should have never brought it up. We don't have to talk about it. Sorry.'

The blonde did not look up from her lap. She was aware of Carmilla's every move as the older girl relaxed just slightly before speaking.

'It was the beggining of the end. I was still freshly fed when maman burried me. So for what I believe must've been the first few months I tried to escape. While I still had my strength I tried to find a way out.'

Laura dared to catch a glimpse of Carmilla, but the older girl's eyes were already on her. 

'Is that one of the reasons you dislike the dark so much? she asked.

'One of them, yes. Do you want me to continue?'

The blonde nodded.

'I did not find a way out and eventually I lost count of the hours, days, months that passed. Time held no meaning. Silence and darkness ruled over my unmarked grave. I was scared. So afraid that I'll be spending my etternity there. Angry and alone. And above all, hungry.'

Carmilla felt Laura grip her hand tighter with every word. 

' I would spend my time singing and reciting books and poems I thought were long forgotten. And I would talk to myself about destiny and hatred and fall, sadness and calvary, and the heavens towards which once I aspired to be part of. Eventually, all I was was tired. So I decided that an eternity in hell was well worth it over an eternity in that hole.''

Laura's grip on her girlfriend's arm tightened as she understood what Carmilla was saying.

'I tried. So hard. To rip myself apart, bite my own neck, bleed myself dry. But all I ever achieved was a fair amount of pain and hunger. So I waited. For a sign, for something, anything. But then I thought of Ell and the look she gave me upon finding out my true nature. And maybe this was just a punishment for that. For having tainted the poor girl with evil and unnatural. '

'And then the earth moved around me. It was like being awakened from a dream. For the first time in so long, I was aware of the sounds and people screaming above me. But how could I hear them? And then it happened again. The earth moved and I heard my coffin crack. All I had to do was push and I was free.'

'You are not evil or unnatural. Not now, as human, nor when you were a vampire. I remember seeing you for the first time. You looked beautiful, sitting on the chair at my desk, your black hair angrily hiding your face as you looked at your hands as though you had forgotten they existed prior to that moment. And when you revealed your teeth to me I understood that was no smile. And when I kissed you, you took my hand and whispered..'

'You reveal myself to me, and for you, alone, I live in the appaling world of this inferior heaven.' Carmilla finished the sentence.


End file.
